If you know me you know that I’m pretty open about my life stories. Not because I’m not embarrassed of all the ridiculous things that have happened (because 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️) or because I want attention. But I find that when I do actually share I get a lot of “Me too’s” and #relatable’s from so many people. This story is a little more personal and maybe a little longer, but I feel like it will help more people than it will hurt me to tell.
My last two exes were kind of doozies (before the super rad guy I’m with now!)
I dated the first one for a short period of time in 2016 before I became privy to his narcissistic bull sh*t. And although he lied and hurt me, I moved on and it taught me a lesson- one I clearly soon forgot.
The second one I dated last year and at the beginning of this year and I had dated him in the past. The first time around I left him in search of something more. My heart and soul told me to get out. I couldn’t quite grasp why until he resurfaced last year. For a long time I even thought I had made a mistake- that he was “the one that got away.” Ha! After his marriage fell apart, he reached out to me in short order. Even though he was total mess, I was excited to reconnect. 🤦♀️
It didn’t dawn on me that this man was just incapable of being alone. It didn’t dawn on me that he was a user and that he was using me to escape a bad situation. In my mind, I had my “one that got away” back. In his mind, I was just a pawn. A thing to use for his gain and then dispose of. Why, yes! He too was a narcissistic psychopath. The difference? He was much better at faking it than the first guy. MUCH better. Everyone loved him. (But then again, everyone loved Ted Bundy too.) But this past year I got to see the real him. I got to realize why I left the first time around. The gut feelings became concrete evidence that I made the absolute right choice of not marrying him. It took me going down that rabbit hole and getting the life knocked out of me (figuratively) to realize it, but hey- lesson REALLY learned this time.
Same spiel as Narcissist #1. He knew exactly what to say to win me over and pull me in. He was romantic at first (soulmates back together and all that nonsense)’and feigned interest in me- just to have glazed over eyes anytime I spoke. Then it really began. His superiority complex kicked in. His need to be the center of attention and “the best” at everything- Mr. Know-It-All, if you will, really kicked in. He didn’t really care about my accomplishments or desires. We spent every waking moment talking about him. His divorce. His crazy ex. His dreams. He feigned interest enough to let me speak but he always had a way of changing the subject. He did what he wanted when he wanted (even yelled that at me one time.) When I got really sick last year with my digestive issues, he barely lifted a finger to take care of me- never mind the stress of his baggage was what pushed it overboard. When I was in the hospital, he spent the entire time texting with one of his ex girlfriends. And when I got upset- he got so mad he almost wrecked my Jeep. Never mind that I spent a night in the hospital. That I was so sick I slept on my bathroom floor. It only mattered that I hurt his feelings. When I found out my mom was sick and had COPD- he told me I was using that as a way to get attention. He didn’t care. All so the attention could shift back to his chaos.
So-When it started going south, all of the old feelings I had came rushing back. Screaming at me to let go but I couldn’t. Why? Because I blamed myself. Every single time we fought he would say “well you left Michelle.” I blamed myself because he blamed me. He shamed me. He knew how to make me feel so small. So bad about myself. And when it all fell apart I was the problem. Yet, I tried to hold on. He broke up with me right before my birthday and went back to MS. Yet he kept me roped in (which is exactly what happened with Narcissist #1.) He made me feel sorry for him. “His life was a mess and he just needed to figure it out.” So I waited. Even though it hurt me so bad. Even though my gut told me to move on- I couldn’t. Because it’s like an instinct- the second I tried, he would know and would rope me back in. But at a certain point I had finally had enough of being ghosted. Ignored. Talked down to. I finally decided to try and move on. After ALL that he put me through, I tried to maintain that he was just really hurting from his previous relationship and that he was still a good guy. BUT- Not even a month after we had spoken for the last time and he gave me his spiel about “working his life out” he had moved in with and adopted a dog with another female. (One that strokes his ego exactly how he likes.)
Wow. That was a huge blow to my heart and soul. He used me and used me and then just dropped me like a sack of potatoes.
By the time he was completely out the door, I was completely used up. COMPLETELY Drained. I had let him live with me, I was his go to for everything while he was never my go to for anything. I couldn’t even talk about my life or my problems with him. He told me multiple times he didn’t care. I had been used. By someone who I thought I knew deep down was a good guy.
What did I feel? Anger. But also really ashamed. Here I was- still sick. 20-25 pounds heavier because my digestive issues were still whack, Career and Jiu Jitsu on the back burner while I got it sorted out- while I tried to feel human again. And there he was- shacked up with another girl. (That’s 3 girls in less than a year if you lost count.) I was so embarrassed that I let this man do this to me in one fell swoop.
So what did I do next?
Check out part 2 dropping tomorrow!