Yes… Another d*** blog.

As the title would suggest, yes I have created yet another blog to go into cyberspace. One that will probably be read by my relatives and maybe a few friends. Oh. Let’s not forget the people who hate seeing others happy. Those people too.

But here I am. Still attempting to start a blog. Why?
Well. Although I talk A LOT and have a lot to say, this blog is only partially for me.When I first began my fitness career, I had another website but got so bogged down because I am technology illiterate and made the process more complicated than it should have been. I did not realize back then that WordPress dummy proofs everything for people like me. It’s probably a good thing I did not blog back then though. I was still an incomplete version of myself and I would have tried to put the whole world on a diet of fish and asparagus.

Any who, let’s get back on track.

I have always wanted a blog because I felt that it would be my way of reaching out to people. To help others who need some serious motivation from a girl who was NEVER athletic who is now trying to make it in the fitness world. I used to be SO obsessed with how I looked that I always put aside how I felt. I would eat no carbs, workout 2-3x a day and take things that no human should ever consume. Just to step on stage. Just to have a body that looked fit and healthy but was definitely NOT healthy. Just because I thought that was the ONLY way anyone would ever take me seriously. Little did I know that I was an F’n joke. And rightly so. I went from fat a$$ to fit to fat a$$ to fit and the cycle never seemed to stop. No matter how much I preached it to my clients or prayed that I would just wake up and not have so many issues, my life and my diet constantly spiraled out of control. For the most part, I could get it under control, but food is something I have always, and will always struggle with.

One day I woke up and realized what was missing. Balance. Moderation. Inner peace. Yes, all the things that I had been teaching others about was something I completely lacked. I would go into things so head strong and gung ho that I would burn myself out so badly that it would eventually wreck me.

That’s when I realized I had an eating disorder. Me? Are you kidding me. A f***** eating disorder. I am supposed to be “fit and healthy” now!! In high school and college I battled the same thing on a much smaller scale. I didn’t know about nutrition back then so I would lose weight and when I got to my goal, I would binge and gain the weight back. Then I would stop eating and lose the weight again, and the cycle continued. But then I found fitness and bodybuilding and it was supposed to “cure” me of this cycle. *Sarcasm*

In all actuality, it magnified this cycle and it helped me put myself out there so all the world (well all of MS) could watch as I struggled daily. This time, instead of not eating then overeating, I would overeat then I would over exercise and eat next to nothing and call it my competition diet. I was drained. Done. I cried a lot. My hormones were f’d. And it was my fault, I know.

I have been called too weak to compete, a fake, a fat a$$ and much more. But the truth is. I am none of those things. Because I let go of something that I thought I needed to be validated, I became real. I became strong. I fell in love with myself and I conquered the cycle that kept conquering me.

Because I am real. Because I am finally strong, it’s time to write.

(Side note: I think that having a goal to compete in bodybuilding is an awesome and epic thing. But it is NOT for people who struggle mentally with food and body image.)

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